So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
