found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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