I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
