I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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