I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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