im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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