glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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