I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
