I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
