Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
