you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize