I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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