I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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