i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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