I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
