4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
