Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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