So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
