Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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