I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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