He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
