i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
