you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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