The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
