Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You smell like stripper and shame
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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