I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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