do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
