When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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