I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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