I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
