mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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