I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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