Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
