hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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