She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
