I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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