There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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