DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dignity is for republicans.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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