Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
