Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
