You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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