That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize