I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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