It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
