It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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