the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
