She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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