I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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