Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
