So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
