it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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