I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
