you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
