I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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