My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
