Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
