Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
