haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
