you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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