I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
