I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
