1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
