I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
