I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
