I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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